How to Gently Cut the Apron Strings of an Emmeshed Parent or Parent-in-law W13

In Helping and Healing Our Families by Harper and Olsen they talk about Emmeshed parents and how they are those who do not want to give space to their married children. They expect too much from them than is healthy. Such as getting offended when child moves away, doesn't attend a family function, or is generally too independant. Married couples should have their own world being built for them and their families. There is a certain closeness that can be found when couples mainly rely on each other for most of their emotional needs. To smoothly ask parents to "mind their business" a couple can instead follow these steps found on p.329.

1st: First express love to parents for all they do.
2nd: Express that you have need to further strengthen you identity as a couple.
3rd: Explain how the expectations of them are getting in the way of their relationship.

They go on to further explain to make sure that the parent knows that no love or loyalty is lost by the space needed.

My husband and I were living in a small in-law suite at my husbands parents house. Whenever my in-laws wanted they stopped by asking for help with chores here and there around the house. They would get angry if we didn't want to comply at times. We were living there for free but it was interfering with our relationship so we moved out as soon as we could. They were treating us like we were their children not like adults. It's hard to break away from habit of asking your kid to do things for you but parents need to remember to treat their children like adults and separate beings.

It is important to remember that becoming and staying close parents on both sides is smart and healthy.

My mother-in-law died and I was more upset than I thought I would be. We have lived close to my husbands side of the family for most of our married life. Because of this we were able to get closer than we would have.

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Gridlock and How to Defeat it. (unfinished) W10

Gridlock is when you and your spouse have gotten to a point where as the word suggests, you are locked down into a opposing positions and can't resolve the issue. 

You know you have Gridlock if :

1. You have had the same argument again and again with no resolution. 

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming more polarizing as time goes on.

4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out - giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

Sometimes it take professional help to sit down and brainstorm together how to break out of gridlock but other times just know you are in a stuck position is the first step to getting out. 

Dr. Gottman's How to Solve Your Solvable Problems W9

1. Soften your start up.

Do not start with the four horsemen criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Be soft when bringing up an issue. Use humor. Point out the good they do first and then ask for the issue to be addressed. 1) share responsibility, 2) here's how I feel, 3) about spastic situation, 4) here's what I need (p.141) Is the best pattern to follow when approaching a conflict.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

Repair attempts are when the spouse is trying to ease the tension of the fight. Humor, apology, etc. It takes time to figure out what the others repair attempts might be. A lot of the time with my husband he would say something odd and I'd look at him and ask "Was that a repair attempt?" When he would say yes I slowly was able to understand and see them when they came. When I then knew that he was at least trying to make us get along I could feel and see he cared about me more clearly. Make sure to help each other know that an attempt to defuse the anger was made often times that act along and kill an argument before it escalates too high. 

3. Soothe yourself and each other.

Recognize when you are feeling flooded and take a break. Do something distracting, take a walk, listen to music, do anything that will take your mind off it for a while till your body had cooled off.

Once you yourself are calm then you can sooth your spouse. To do this you need to discuss what causes each other to become flooded. 

4. Compromise 

Negotiate and find a way to accommodate each other. Accept each others influence.

5. Process any grievances so they don't linger.

Compromise to where you both feel satisfied. Gottman has a 7 step process to this that I may post later.

Pride W8

When we have pride it only gets in our way of happiness. Joy comes from making others happy. Don't sacrifice everything for others happiness but do sacrifice your pride. Pride shows up in many forms.
quote
I have pride when I get angry when my husband is being too careful.

Christ in My Marriage W7

President Howard W Hunter taught us that "whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." P.52

I have seen this in my life. When Christ's teachings were being followed in our household and marriage it is so much more peaceful and joyful. When we are not making use of Christ and his atonement we have a harder time getting along. We see and feel differently toward one another. When my husband was living a life of lies and sin he was abusive. He was driving me away and we almost divorced. I decided to change my life around and get help. Once I started putting God first again he decided in order to keep me he had to make a huge change too. He worked hard and repented. He is not perfect but were it not for the atonement and saving grace of our savior we would not be together this day. We have to continue to maintain Christ in our hearts and household to keep those changes
positive ones. 

Positive Sentiment Override W6

When we think positively about our spouse often enough it can transform our marriages.

In Gottman's book he has a number of activities that couples can do to fill their lives with positive reinforcement.  When I thought one different positive sentence a day over and over in my head it really helped me remember why I love him. It helped me see him and treat him better than I had. When he was frustrated or I became frustrated I already had love in my heart to buffer the negative emotions. Gottman said this would happen on page () He was right.

If we remind ourselves daily of even just one good thing about our spouse it will be so easy to cultivate love for them.

Another thing I did was say "thank you." In the day to day it's easy to forget to say every often. Gottman has an activity where you say Thank you for ... specific thing and think of three different things. I add more because the affect is so nice! When people feel important they are more likely to treat YOU better in return. The fun we had as a result from the positive energy created was so so fun! I suggest to all couples to put reminders in their devices or somewhere to always say "Thank You!" to each other! Don't forget the joy it can bring both of you!

The Four Horseman of Marriage Dr.Gottman W5

Dr. Gottman wrote the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In this book he sights the four horseman than ruin marriages. They are important to know so that you can become aware of them, and then learn to avoid doing them.

1st Criticism. A criticism is a general attack on ones character. "You are so lazy. Why don't you ever help?" or "I'm always reminding you to stop yelling. You're so quick to anger!"

It's is much more hurtful than a simple complaint. "I feel tired when I had to do the dishes alone tonight" is much better.

2nd Contempt: name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are all examples. "It is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you're disgusted with him or her." P.29

3rd Defensiveness: This hardly has the affect desired, rather it just makes the argument continue longer.

4th Stonewalling: Shutting down and no longer responding. This happens when the emotional state from the confrontation is too much for the individual to handle so the shut down. They no longer respond to the one who is causing the distress.

Every marriage has all these happen on one occasion or another. Gottman says that is it when they are the prevalent. It is the repair attempts and wether or not they are received or not that save a marriage from the four horsemen's affects.

In my marriage I know that we used to do these a lot more than we do now. It takes work to learn to stop them in their tracks. And/or to humble yourself and allow the repair attempts into your heart.

Marriage Ultimate Happiness W4

"Our Father’s house is a house of order. We go to His house to enter into that order of priesthood which will entitle us to all that the Father hath, if we are faithful. For as the Lord has revealed in modern times, Abraham’s seed are “lawful heirs” to the priesthood. (See D&C 86:8–11.)"President Ezra Taft Benson

God wants us to follow his plan because it is the one that will bring the most joy to us in the long run. Things don't always make sense at the time but they will always work out in the end for the best. There are steps to be taken in order to receive the fullness of the power of God. We find those steps in the temple.

And in 1843 the Prophet said: "If a man gets a fullness of the priesthood of God, he has to get it in the same way that Jesus Christ obtained it, and that was by keeping all the commandments and obeying all the ordinances of the house of the Lord." (Documentary History of the Church, Vol. 5, p. 244.)

"you cannot receive the fullness of the priesthood and the fullness of eternal reward unless you receive the ordinances of the house of the Lord; and when you receive these ordinances, the door is then open so you can obtain all the blessings which any man can gain."

President Joseph Fielding Smith

Among these blessings and ordinances received in the temple is eternal marriage. When a couple have the use the atonement of Jesus Christ they will only get closer and closer over the years. The goal is to become in tune with God's will. Once we are in tune with His will we are able to know what we should do in every moment. Know when we need to be sharp or gentle, firm or relaxed. Without this guide it is easy to do the wrong things.



As a husband and wife are each drawn to the Lord (see 3 Ne. 27:14), as they learn to serve and cherish one another, as they share life experiences and grow together and become one, and as they are blessed through the uniting of their distinctive natures, they begin to realize the fulfillment that our Heavenly Father desires for His children. Ultimate happiness, which is the very object of the Father’s plan, is received through the making and honoring of eternal marriage covenants.
Elder Bednar

Same-sex marriage in the Eyes of a Mormon Woman W3

I want all people to be happy. It's true. I want all children to be raised in the best homes possible. I don't want people to be afraid to do what they love. I don't want the government to have to much power. I want the LGTBQ community not to feel unsafe, unvalued, or a lesser citizen. I want them to be able to adopt unwanted children. I want them to have all the benefits and responsibilities as opposite couples. I don't think God condones their behavior but we are not perfect and God will judge us by what we know. 

Of all this I'm not happy with the Supreme Court Judges being given the power to force states who have already voted to maintain marriage as only between a man and women. They have taken the process of democracy and republic away from the people and put it in the hands of judges. 

Not all the Justices agreed. And the arguments they wrote are important to know. So also is the opinion of the petitioners but I won't be quoting them as they are the popular opinion. Justice Alito warned "Even enthusiastic supporters of same-sex marriage should worry about the scope of the power that today's majority claims." p.7.

In the dissent by Justices Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas they said "Those who founded our country would not recognize the majority’s conception of the judicial role. They after all risked their lives and fortunes for the precious right to govern themselves. They would never have imagined yielding that right on a question of social policy to unaccountable and unelected judges. And they certainly would not have been satisfied by a system empowering judges to override policy judgments so long as they do so after “a quite extensive discussion.”P.25 

This statement resonated with me. We did not fight a revolution just to end up putting to much power in one set of judges hands. There is a reason why we have so many checks and balances and that is so that no one party or group of peoples gets to make and enforce laws to easily. If it to easy then laws might lose their weight due to the fact they would be changing all the time to the fancy of the rich and powerful.

Marriage Trends: Divorce W2

First thing I want to say is that marriage is a scary thing to into these days because of the "known" fact that it fails "50%" of the time. This almost correct but still misconception has some scared to enter the life of a married individual. Well the good news is that the chances of divorce for everyone Isn't the same!

In the State of Our Unions: 2012 it shows us this for women:
"Percent decrease in factors risk of divorce:
Annual income over $50,000 (vs. under $25,000)  -30 
Having a baby seven months or more after marriage (vs. before marriage) -24 
Marrying over 25 years of age (vs. under 18) -24 
Family of origin intact (vs. divorced parents) -14 
Religious affiliation (vs. none) -14 
College (vs. high school dropout) -25

So if you are a reasonably well-educated person with a decent income, come from an intact family and are religious, and marry after age 25 without having a baby first, your chances of divorce are very low indeed."

For me this fact alone is extremely comforting. We also have the words of the LDS apostles to comfort us as well.  Elder Oaks said
"A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."

It takes a lot of work but with the Lord we can have wonderful lives with our families.