Dr. Gottman wrote the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In this book he sights the four horseman than ruin marriages. They are important to know so that you can become aware of them, and then learn to avoid doing them.
1st Criticism. A criticism is a general attack on ones character. "You are so lazy. Why don't you ever help?" or "I'm always reminding you to stop yelling. You're so quick to anger!"
It's is much more hurtful than a simple complaint. "I feel tired when I had to do the dishes alone tonight" is much better.
2nd Contempt: name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor are all examples. "It is virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you're disgusted with him or her." P.29
3rd Defensiveness: This hardly has the affect desired, rather it just makes the argument continue longer.
4th Stonewalling: Shutting down and no longer responding. This happens when the emotional state from the confrontation is too much for the individual to handle so the shut down. They no longer respond to the one who is causing the distress.
Every marriage has all these happen on one occasion or another. Gottman says that is it when they are the prevalent. It is the repair attempts and wether or not they are received or not that save a marriage from the four horsemen's affects.
In my marriage I know that we used to do these a lot more than we do now. It takes work to learn to stop them in their tracks. And/or to humble yourself and allow the repair attempts into your heart.
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