How to Gently Cut the Apron Strings of an Emmeshed Parent or Parent-in-law W13

In Helping and Healing Our Families by Harper and Olsen they talk about Emmeshed parents and how they are those who do not want to give space to their married children. They expect too much from them than is healthy. Such as getting offended when child moves away, doesn't attend a family function, or is generally too independant. Married couples should have their own world being built for them and their families. There is a certain closeness that can be found when couples mainly rely on each other for most of their emotional needs. To smoothly ask parents to "mind their business" a couple can instead follow these steps found on p.329.

1st: First express love to parents for all they do.
2nd: Express that you have need to further strengthen you identity as a couple.
3rd: Explain how the expectations of them are getting in the way of their relationship.

They go on to further explain to make sure that the parent knows that no love or loyalty is lost by the space needed.

My husband and I were living in a small in-law suite at my husbands parents house. Whenever my in-laws wanted they stopped by asking for help with chores here and there around the house. They would get angry if we didn't want to comply at times. We were living there for free but it was interfering with our relationship so we moved out as soon as we could. They were treating us like we were their children not like adults. It's hard to break away from habit of asking your kid to do things for you but parents need to remember to treat their children like adults and separate beings.

It is important to remember that becoming and staying close parents on both sides is smart and healthy.

My mother-in-law died and I was more upset than I thought I would be. We have lived close to my husbands side of the family for most of our married life. Because of this we were able to get closer than we would have.

W12

W11

Gridlock and How to Defeat it. (unfinished) W10

Gridlock is when you and your spouse have gotten to a point where as the word suggests, you are locked down into a opposing positions and can't resolve the issue. 

You know you have Gridlock if :

1. You have had the same argument again and again with no resolution. 

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming more polarizing as time goes on.

4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out - giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

Sometimes it take professional help to sit down and brainstorm together how to break out of gridlock but other times just know you are in a stuck position is the first step to getting out. 

Dr. Gottman's How to Solve Your Solvable Problems W9

1. Soften your start up.

Do not start with the four horsemen criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Be soft when bringing up an issue. Use humor. Point out the good they do first and then ask for the issue to be addressed. 1) share responsibility, 2) here's how I feel, 3) about spastic situation, 4) here's what I need (p.141) Is the best pattern to follow when approaching a conflict.

2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

Repair attempts are when the spouse is trying to ease the tension of the fight. Humor, apology, etc. It takes time to figure out what the others repair attempts might be. A lot of the time with my husband he would say something odd and I'd look at him and ask "Was that a repair attempt?" When he would say yes I slowly was able to understand and see them when they came. When I then knew that he was at least trying to make us get along I could feel and see he cared about me more clearly. Make sure to help each other know that an attempt to defuse the anger was made often times that act along and kill an argument before it escalates too high. 

3. Soothe yourself and each other.

Recognize when you are feeling flooded and take a break. Do something distracting, take a walk, listen to music, do anything that will take your mind off it for a while till your body had cooled off.

Once you yourself are calm then you can sooth your spouse. To do this you need to discuss what causes each other to become flooded. 

4. Compromise 

Negotiate and find a way to accommodate each other. Accept each others influence.

5. Process any grievances so they don't linger.

Compromise to where you both feel satisfied. Gottman has a 7 step process to this that I may post later.

Pride W8

When we have pride it only gets in our way of happiness. Joy comes from making others happy. Don't sacrifice everything for others happiness but do sacrifice your pride. Pride shows up in many forms.
quote
I have pride when I get angry when my husband is being too careful.

Christ in My Marriage W7

President Howard W Hunter taught us that "whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." P.52

I have seen this in my life. When Christ's teachings were being followed in our household and marriage it is so much more peaceful and joyful. When we are not making use of Christ and his atonement we have a harder time getting along. We see and feel differently toward one another. When my husband was living a life of lies and sin he was abusive. He was driving me away and we almost divorced. I decided to change my life around and get help. Once I started putting God first again he decided in order to keep me he had to make a huge change too. He worked hard and repented. He is not perfect but were it not for the atonement and saving grace of our savior we would not be together this day. We have to continue to maintain Christ in our hearts and household to keep those changes
positive ones.