In Helping and Healing Our Families by Harper and Olsen they talk about Emmeshed parents and how they are those who do not want to give space to their married children. They expect too much from them than is healthy. Such as getting offended when child moves away, doesn't attend a family function, or is generally too independant. Married couples should have their own world being built for them and their families. There is a certain closeness that can be found when couples mainly rely on each other for most of their emotional needs. To smoothly ask parents to "mind their business" a couple can instead follow these steps found on p.329.
1st: First express love to parents for all they do.
2nd: Express that you have need to further strengthen you identity as a couple.
3rd: Explain how the expectations of them are getting in the way of their relationship.
They go on to further explain to make sure that the parent knows that no love or loyalty is lost by the space needed.
My husband and I were living in a small in-law suite at my husbands parents house. Whenever my in-laws wanted they stopped by asking for help with chores here and there around the house. They would get angry if we didn't want to comply at times. We were living there for free but it was interfering with our relationship so we moved out as soon as we could. They were treating us like we were their children not like adults. It's hard to break away from habit of asking your kid to do things for you but parents need to remember to treat their children like adults and separate beings.
It is important to remember that becoming and staying close parents on both sides is smart and healthy.
My mother-in-law died and I was more upset than I thought I would be. We have lived close to my husbands side of the family for most of our married life. Because of this we were able to get closer than we would have.
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