Do not start with the four horsemen criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Be soft when bringing up an issue. Use humor. Point out the good they do first and then ask for the issue to be addressed. 1) share responsibility, 2) here's how I feel, 3) about spastic situation, 4) here's what I need (p.141) Is the best pattern to follow when approaching a conflict.
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
Repair attempts are when the spouse is trying to ease the tension of the fight. Humor, apology, etc. It takes time to figure out what the others repair attempts might be. A lot of the time with my husband he would say something odd and I'd look at him and ask "Was that a repair attempt?" When he would say yes I slowly was able to understand and see them when they came. When I then knew that he was at least trying to make us get along I could feel and see he cared about me more clearly. Make sure to help each other know that an attempt to defuse the anger was made often times that act along and kill an argument before it escalates too high.
3. Soothe yourself and each other.
Recognize when you are feeling flooded and take a break. Do something distracting, take a walk, listen to music, do anything that will take your mind off it for a while till your body had cooled off.
Once you yourself are calm then you can sooth your spouse. To do this you need to discuss what causes each other to become flooded.
4. Compromise
Negotiate and find a way to accommodate each other. Accept each others influence.
5. Process any grievances so they don't linger.
Compromise to where you both feel satisfied. Gottman has a 7 step process to this that I may post later.
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